Back on the Homefront

Accepting Reality

So it's finally happened.  The reality that this deployment IS going to happen has finally hit me.  It started to hit me when the school year ended.  As a teacher, I tend to think in school years, not calendar years.  The end of school year 2010-2011 made me realize that my husband will be gone for the entire next school year.  Still, I was able to push that thought aside somewhat and just enjoy some time to relax.  Afterall, we were busy planning summer vacations and all the fun places we would go.  Now that one vacation is over, I'm suddenly slammed with the thought that time with my husband is limited.

Micah and I were able to enjoy a week-long vacation without children.  This was our first vacation alone since having children.  It was a little weird at first not to have the boys with us, but it was so freeing at the same time.  We could actually take our time and stop along the way when we saw something that interested us.  We got to connect as a couple again and actually hold a conversation without someone saying they needed a drink or had to go to the bathroom.  It was one of the best times we've had in awhile.  But then it came to an end and I had to come back to reality.

Micah had to stay up in Michigan for work, so I drove back home with the boys.  After spending so much time with him, coming home without him has been hard.  All of a sudden I'm faced with reminders of how it will be when he actually does deploy.  All of a sudden I look around and remember how lonely it gets when I can't talk to him.  I remember what its like to continue on with a smile on my face when I'm crying inside.  I remember how much it breaks my heart to have one of my boys cry for daddy and I can't do anything about it.  Having him gone for a week for work is nothing new...this time it's just a little too close to the deployment.

I know time will move on and our family will adjust.  I always hate the fact that Micah has to miss so much of the boys growing up.  Pictures and video just don't do it justice.  This last vacation was the longest time I've been away from the boys and it was hard for me.  I will never be able to understand just how hard it is for Micah to say goodbye to them, knowing he won't see them for many months.  Back on the homefront, I hate that my boys miss hanging out so much with their daddy.  I try my best to continue doing things we did when Micah was here, but its just a fact that I can't do it all myself...and that no matter what I do, I will never be "daddy".  I can't have Camden help work on the Jeep with me, I can't take Evan to father/student night at school and I can't take them both for a special "boys night out."

So as reality does finally hit with this deployment, I'm trying to just brace myself for the long road ahead.  I know I'll be lonely.  I know I'll cry, scream and want to give up at times.  But I also finally know why God made me so stubborn.  I, like so many other army wives, was given the strength needed to just make it through one day at a time.  I'm so stubborn that failure is not an option.  Though I want to curl up and hide for year, I won't.  I'll make sure my boys and I continue to enjoy life as much as possible despite the fact that Micah can't enjoy it with us.  And all the while, we'll be counting down the days until his return.

 

 

 

I'm back...

    Here I am again, sitting at the computer working on my blog.  It has been almost exactly two years since we got Micah back home with us and now we're looking at about six months until he leaves for the 3rd deployment.  I can't say I'm happy about this, but who would be?  I'm proud of my husband and all he does, I just don't like having him gone.  So here begins my journey into the world of pre-deployment again.   Often, the time leading up to the deployment is just as rough as the deployment itself. 

    So if you are reading this, here's a warning:  This won't always be a fun, lighthearted blog to read.  This is my blog.  It is where I share my downs as well as my ups.  It serves as a means for me to communicate what I'm feeling to myself as well as others.  You don't have to read it if you don't want to, so let me use it as I want.  Sure, I'll post some cute pics of my kids. (And man, looking back at the last pics posted on here, they have grown like crazy!)  But, I may also rant about things that should seem trivial.  You see, sometimes when your husband is deployed something as simple as not being able to get the jar of peanut butter open can seem like life or death...usually because it happens while your child is screaming for his food, the cat just threw up and someone is knocking on your door to sell you frozen meat from their van.  Combine that with the constant question of "is my husband ok today?" and it all becomes one big fiasco.

    Ah, as I sit here writing what I thought might be funny, I already find myself starting to cry.  At this point in time, I'm at that  "I want to be mad" stage.  I just don't see how I will possibly be able to do it again.  Another year without my husband doesn't seem like something I can do.  But, I know this is normal and I also know that just like the first two deployments, we will somehow make it through.  That doesn't make it any easier, but at least I know from experience that its ok to feel this way right now. 

My two awesome boys and I will survive.  We'll pray for Micah each night, think about him each day, say hello to "flat daddy" and cry when we say goodbye on the phone or computer.  But we will survive.  I do worry so much about them while Micah is gone.  They are a little older now and understand a bit more.  Last night, while eating at a Chinese buffet, Micah called from Drill.  Somehow that led to the boys having a conversation about how army men have to shoot and kill "bad guys".  Do I like that my children think about this?  No.  I wish they could grow up in a little protective bubble where everything is good and right...but they can't.  Reality of war has been a part of their lives at such a young age.  I wonder how I can give them peace about daddy being "safe" when I myself worry about it every day.  But that too, will take care of itself.  For now, I just try to make our time together the best it can be and let the future take care of itself.  Not easy, but I'm trying.

The first snow!!

So Micah is over in a desert, and we got our first snowfall of the year.  I heard yesterday that there would be some lake effect snow but it was supposed to be in the next county...I guess the wind shifted or something, because we woke up to a winter wonderland this morning!  It was only a couple weeks ago when it was warm enough for the boys to play in the leaves without coats...now winter has definitely arrived.  They are saying the official total is 9-10 inches...which isn't too bad, but just crazy when we didn't expect it.

Yesterday, I told Evan it might snow a little.  He wanted there to be enough snow to play in, and I said "I'm sorry honey, I don't think we'll get that much."  Boy, was I wrong.  Just look at these pics.  Evan wakes up around 5 am to hang out with me, so I had him throw on his snowsuit and head outside.  I shoveled, and he cleaned off the   car for me...what a nice helper!  Of course, we had a little snowball fight and he made a snow angel along the way too.  Oh, did I mention I got a 2 hour delay for school...we took full advantage of  it!  I woke Cam up later and just let him look at the snow from the bay window.  He was so excited and just kept saying "snow, snow, snow". (And yes, those are still Halloween decorations in the window by Cam...I think we'll just mix together all the holidays this year!

So, we arrive home tonight to find that my driveway has been plowed.  I had only shoveled enough for me to get out this morning, but now its completely clear.  There is no sign of who did it for me...my neighbor has used his snowblower for me secretly in the past, but this time there are truck tire marks and big "plow" piles.  Hmmmm...whoever it was, they made my day.  Its nice to have someone notice a need we have...and do something about it.   I don't know if I'll find out who it was, but if you're reading this...thank you :)

The end is in sight!!

Finally!!  I had just asked Micah yesterday if there was any more information he could give me about when he'll be home.  He just said there would be a newsletter coming out that says the 2nd week of December...ok, that gave me a little hope, but I wanted the "official" word.  I actually got a call from the FRG phone tree while on the webcam with Micah, but told him I'd call the lady back.  As soon as I got off the computer, I called her back and she had quite a bit of news for me...yeah!!!

She said that right now, they ARE due back sometime the 2nd week of December, of course, depending on storms, travel, etc. I AM SO EXCITED!!  She said she'll be calling when they leave Kuwait, when they arrive at Ft Hood and then when they'll actually be coming to Michigan for the ceremony.  I just can't believe it, finally a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Sitting in church today, I almost began to cry and I thought about us being a whole family again.  I'm so ready for my boys to have their daddy back, to not have to hear daily how much they miss him.  I told Evan that daddy might be here BEFORE Santa comes (since we'd being saying it might be a little after he comes) and he got a HUGE smile on his face, ran to me and gave me the biggest hug in the world...yes, this little guy and his brother deserve to have their daddy!  I'm not letting him take extra links off the chain yet. This being the second deployment,  I know how things can change...I won't believe Micah is home until I actually see him!

Its been/continues to be a rough deployment, often full of tears and frustration that I didn't always share...I often have people saying now that it seems like the time went fast, that it doesn't seem like almost a year ago that he left...I wish I could say the same.  This year has been long.  This year has been hard, but I knew we would make it.  I dreamed of this day and kept it in sight...Micah will be coming home.  That is all that matters now.

I'm also amazed at how people think that everything will be just back to "normal" when he returns.  In this marriage, I'm not sure what "normal" is.  Being the second deployment, I know that when he returns, we'll all have a long period of adjustment.  He's been used to living in a tiny room on his own and will now have to adjust to the noise/chaos of not one, but two rambunctious boys.  As an officer, he's used to giving orders and having them followed...around here, it doesn't always work that way with two small ones.  On our side, the boys and I will be ecstatic to have him home, but it will be different too.

In order to survive these deployments, I become sort of routine.  We get up at a certain time, we come home, make/eat dinner, take baths, play a little, then bedtime.  There isn't much chance for just hanging out...even Saturday is the time to clean/catch up on all the things I couldn't get done during the week.  When Micah's home, we enjoy going to the bookstore, going hiking, just generally hanging out more...very fun, but we have to adjust nap time, etc...it takes some time. 

Last deployment, we had a problem with Evan not wanting Micah to do anything such as putting him to bed, giving baths, etc.  All that he remembered at that age was mommy doing it...it took quite awhile to get him to let Micah do it.  I'm wondering how Cam will do this time, as he's the same age Evan was last time...only time will tell.

For myself, I worry about falling into old "bad" habits.  During the first part of this deployment, I sat around and felt pity for myself...I ate a ton of food after the boys went to bed, and told myself I had a right to do so.  I didn't exercise as I also convinced myself there was no time for it, that I was too busy with Micah being deployed.  Ahhh poor me...get over it.  That's what I finally told myself after Micah was here for R & R.  I'm not sure why that event made me change...maybe because it gave me hope again to see him and have such a great time with him? 

For whatever reason, I started getting up early to exercise and began watching what I eat.  I told myself that instead of deserving to eat during all of this, I deserved to be me, to be happy, to love MYSELF again.  And it worked...I've lost over 12 lbs since the beginning of the school year (we teachers define the year as the school year, not calendar year!)  I'm taking it easy, about a pound a week, but I feel great!  My worry is that I will want to just hang out with Micah when he's home: finally eat at a restaurant with someone I love, stay up late talking, etc and won't force myself to keep up with working out in the morning.  So, if you see me getting fat in the pictures again, remind me to love myself too :)

I haven't rambled like this for awhile.  I guess I'm just so excited to have an end to this deployment in sight!  To think that in a little over a month I will have my husband back home is almost more than I can take!  We actually had a rough time relationship wise last deployment, then he was home and we finally started feeling like a couple again right before he was deployed again.  I don't know why it was different this time, but we've had a GREAT relationship this deployment, and had a GREAT R & R in July...last time I was nervous for him to come home, this time I'm just so excited...

We love our Wii...and other nonsense

I haven't had time to write on here in awhile...been too busy with the our new toy!  I'd been wanting a Wii for some time, but the stores were always sold out by the time I got there.  It just so happened that Camden and I went shopping for Micah's anniversary present while Evan was at a birthday party...and as we came around a corner in Best Buy, there was the table full of Wiis.  I just couldn't resist, so of course, I bought the Wii and the Wii Fit Board and left without anything for Micah.  At least I did send him an email telling him he didn't need to buy an anniversary gift for me...I already had one!  Evan is a Pro at the boxing and even had a couple of KO's.  Yes, he's just in his undies in the picture...maybe when he's older he'll  regret the fact that he never wants to wear pants at home.  Hey, at least he doesn't do it outside the house...yet.  Even my mom, got into the Wii action.  She started re-living her days when she used to bowl!  Sorry mom, had to post a picture of it :)

We've also been to the pumpkin patch...Camden was so cute picking out his own little pumpkin.  Evan had gotten a little one for Cam, but Cam said "no".  He then came carrying this little thing in the picture and said "mine".  Yes Cam, if you can carry it, it can be yours!   Evan got a little bit bigger pumkin, so of course I ended up carrying it!  This past weekend, Micah's mom and dad came down to visit and they brought some pumpkins that we turned into "cats".  It was an idea Les had seen in a magazine, and they didn't turn out too bad for the first crack at it!

And finally, some BIG news...we should be expecting Micah home sometime in December as far as we know!  Evan has been doing a great job of remembering to take off a chain link each Sunday.  This past Monday, he said he wishes we could go to church a bunch of days in a row.  I was a litle confused until I remembered the chain...each "church day", we remove a link...going to chuch a "bunch of days in a  row" would mean we could remove all the links and have daddy home.  At least now, there finally seems to be an end in sight.  I just can't wait until Evan gets to remove that one last link!

Spongebob, Patrick and the Witch

Our local fire department was having a "Fire Fest" at a park a block from our house this past weekend.  Of course Evan convinced me Friday night that we should walk to the park and see the firetrucks.  So, we loaded Cam up in the stroller and went for our walk.  We took a look at the firetrucks and played a few games.  While we were playing games, we hear over a speaker that Spongebob will be making an appearance.  What four year old would pass up the chance to see Spongebob?  So we walk over to the table where you could find out about him showing up.

It turns out, there was a church group doing some evangelism.  They were calling all the kids around to wait near a stage for Spongebob to show up.  We took our seat in the middle of the crowd of kids and eagerly awaited his arrival.  Before we could see Spongebob, however, we had to watch a couple of skits.  I was fine with that, thinking these would be skits for little kids.  Boy, was I wrong.  The first skit was a little over the kids heads, but nothing bad.  But before I could do anything about it, Evan and Cam got to witness some scary stuff in the second skit.  During part of the skit, a girl portrayed being a "cutter", complete with fake blood and then held a fake gun to her head...before "Jesus" came and saved her.

Now, we go to church and I understand the whole skit...but for little kids?  Camden, at only 18 months old, could tell something was wrong and started screaming and trying to get out of the stroller.  Evan looked wide-eyed at me and kept asking why the girl was doing that.  Wow, what do I say?  So I tried to remain calm and not make too big of a deal for him...told him that it was pretend and we would talk about it when Cam went to bed.  After Cam went to bed, I sat down with Evan and asked him what he thought he saw.

He said the girl was a witch (she did have goth-like clothes on and stringy long hair??) and that the witch was trying to hurt herself.  He said he knew it was pretend but wanted to know why the witch would do that.  I tried my best to explain the skit in 4 yr old terms, and just told him over and over again how sorry I was that he had to see that...that if mommy had known it was going to happen I wouldn't have taken him there.  He said he was fine, but of course he wanted to sleep with me that night...and I obliged.

Evan has done a lot of growing up while Micah's been gone, but should he have to see the "witch" before he could have a picture taken with Spongebob and Patrick (who also showed up)?  We did have the pic taken as Evan still pleaded for the picture...but every time I look at that picture I won't be able to forget the witch that scared my kids.

"Me" time!!!

I had to write and document this, if for no other reason than for me to be able to go back and remember it happened...today I got some real "me" time!  I don't know if its due to going back to work and the boys getting used to being up early for daycare again or what, but they actually slept in today!!  I did keep them up a little late last night in the hopes of sleeping past 6 am, but to actually have to wake Cam up at 9 am to get ready for church was a shock!  Both of them slept in long enough for me to have time to get up and work out, shower, have a real sit down bowl of cereal and read the Sunday paper from front to back....this hasn't happened at all since Micah left, so I took full advantage of it!  Then this afternoon I was able to actually get them to both take a nap at the same time...a feat in itself...and stay asleep through me running the lawn mower outside.  They are even still asleep right now...wow, the little victories!  I'm going to go enjoy what's left of this "me" time!

I Miss Daddy...part 2

So tonight I sit and write about MY dad.  Today would have been his 76th birthday and I miss him greatly.  You see, my father died almost exactly three years ago, during Micah's first deployment.  In fact, Micah was home for his first R & R when my father died.  My father was a great man.  Its very hard to put into words just how much he meant to me.  He was always there to support me in everything I did.  I will never forgot his words to me when I decided to change my career path during college.  I started out Pre-Med and after two years discovered that I didn't really want to be a doctor, but rather a teacher.  Everyone told me I was crazy to switch to a lower paying job...but when I broke the news to my parents, my father gave me the best advice.  He said "I don't care if you choose to be a ditch digger.  As long as you enjoy what you're doing and it makes you happy, that's all that matters."  Somehow, he knew that's exactly what I needed to hear at that moment in time.

My father always knew what to say.  To say I was a stubborn child is putting it mildly.  I've always had my own way of doing things.  But dad had this knack for letting me be frustrated and angry while he just listened.  He would just say that I needed to do what I felt was right.  Somehow, he always gave me the power to move forward without trying to tell me what I needed to do.  That is a gift.  If you've ever seen the movie "Cars" (which is one of Evan's favorite movies), you would know the character Doc Hudson...well, that's my dad.  In fact, he even was a driver back before having kids...but why that character reminds me of dad is the way he teaches Lightning McQueen how to handle the curve.  For me, it was often the curves of life that Dad taught me to handle.

So tonight, I say Happy Bithday Dad...I miss you.  And as I sit and remember all the great times with you, I pray that I can only be half as good of a mom as you were a dad.  I love you!