So we still have a long way to go with Evan learning how to handle his anger....
Evan woke up this morning crying once again. He had big tears and sobs again and said he wanted his daddy. I brought him downstairs and calmed him down. He said he wanted to watch the daddy video, so I told him we would, when it was actually time to wake up (it was way too early I thought, maybe I should go ahead and do it next time!). We never did get to the video yet.
When Evan is angry, it takes just one small thing to set him off. When Micah first left, we went for a good month where Evan had tantrums that lasted up to 3 hours. Now, Evan is prone to acting out, but not for that long under normal circumstances...3 hours, almost nightly, had me thinking I was going insane. We finally made it past that and moved on to more normal days, fun playing, fewer tantrums. When Micah said he was coming home for R & R, I knew I must brace myself...that the tantrums would probably begin again. Until now, we've been doing pretty good. Maybe because a week has gone by and he realizes daddy really is gone again?? I'm not sure what's triggered it, but we're currently in the middle of one of the big tantrums.
These tantrums are the hardest for me: I know he needs reassurance that I love him, that I know he misses daddy, etc but he can't be allowed to get away with hitting, kicking or screaming at me. So, he's currently up in his room, having a screaming fit until he calms down and can come and say he's sorry. I have no clue how long this will last...hopefully its over before lunch and naptime?? These are the moments when I'm at a loss of what to do.
Now, I've been given advice from different people at different places...nothing seems to work. I know I have some people who don't believe in the way I'm raising these boys/handling the discipline while Micah's gone...but frankly, until they have lived this life and seen how the deployment affects the boys on a day to day basis, I can't worry about what they think. Right now, I have to stick to what feels right for me and the boys. I do mainly "time-outs" or taking away things, but even when I have resorted to spanking, it doesn't seem to help any better.
The fact is, Evan is angy. Maybe no one else wants to believe it could affect him like this, but I'm his mom and I see it. I see what a loving, caring boy he can be, the way he helps his brother, the way he trys to cheer his brother up when he cries, the way he tries to help me get everything done around here (even does dishes sometimes by hand!)...Evan is/is going to be a great guy. Right now, his world is turned a bit upside down and he doesn't understand it all. Heck, I'm 35 and I can't even comprehend all that has happened to us in the past 3-4 years.
I remember sitting at a table at the Military Ball in December before Micah left. All of the men at the table had left for one reason or another and the ladies were all left talking. I didn't know any of them, so I just sat and listened. They sat talking about their kids and how they were glad they were so little they wouldn't know what was going on (my experience with Evan last deployment). Then one of them said "I'm so glad he's not 3, they say that's the hardest time for a boy to have his dad gone because that's when they really start to bond with him...." Gee thanks lady. I wanted to scream "MY SON IS THREE!!" I'm not sure that lady was right about anything she said, but it has somehow proven to be true...Evan really started being able to do "big boy things" with Micah right before he left and that's what he misses most. He just wants to "hang with daddy". So I say, if he's a bit angry, rightfully so...this deployment sucks for him!
Don't get me wrong, luckily we've had many more good times than bad...its just that the bad seems really bad. Heck, I've even ventured out to eat at sit-down restaurants with the two boys myself a few times, and we've survived without causing a mess! I HAVE been locking away memories of all the mommy/boys time as I know someday it will be all about "the boys" hanging out. Evan already tells me he's going to be just like his daddy...and I'm good with that :)
On a side note, Evan's tantrum only lasted about 1/2 hour today and then he was ready to come down, say he was sorry. He cried, asked to be held and wanted to watch the daddy video. So maybe the tantrums will get fewer/shorter and he really is learning to ask for other ways to cope? Let's hope so!
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