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The Loot

Tonight started off pretty harmless...we dressed Evan up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, put Camden in his Scooby Doo outfit and showed Micah what they looked like over the web cam.  Soon, the clock struck 5:30 and we were out the door looking for all the candy we could find.  Camden got the luxury of riding in the stroller.  Evan walked, and carried his own pumpkin basket for about half the way.  Once he got started, he just didn't want to stop, so we actually made it down and back two partial streets this year...twice as far as last year.  Not bad for a guy who said earlier in the week that he wasn't sure he wanted to go.  We had already gone to the downtown business trick-or-treating last weekend, and he said we had enough candy...I guess he changed his mind....

As we were nearing the end of the 2nd street, Evan decided I had to carry his pumpkin along with Cam's.  This normally wouldn't be a big deal...but just look at how much candy they got, and you'll see why my arms are tired!  This is ONLY Evan's candy...  (from tonight as well as last week, and daycare today.  The pumpkin is all the candy from just tonight.  Didn't look too bad in the basket...but when it got put in a big bowl, it gave us a new perspective. Remember, this is only Evan's candy, we have just as much for Camden too!

So now, I realize that we just may still have Halloween candy left when Micah gets home in December!  I usually let the boys have one "big" (aka snack size) candy bar, or two smaller candies a day...maybe this year, we'll actually run Halloween candy into Easter...wow.  Or, I can eat it all after they go to bed and gain back the ten pounds I've recently lost....hmm...is it worth a few more minutes on the exercise bike?

Anyway, we had a good night all in all.  Evan did have his usual "I miss daddy" in the middle of trick-or-treating.  Seeing other kids with their dads makes him sad at things like this.  He so badly wants it to be time for Micah to come home.  I have a feeling Micah will have a hard time keeping Evan away from his side once he's back!  I miss having him here to join in on the fun too...but less than a couple months now...each new holiday means we're one step closer to him being here.

 

Evan's Wish

I couldn't include this in with the post about apples, as it is so sweet it deserves its own post.  Tonight as we were outside playing, Evan found some dried up dandelions in the yard next door.  Since it is a vacant house right now, I let him run into the yard and pick them like he wanted to.  He began blowing on the "fluffy stuff" and teaching Cam how to make a wish.  As he took a deep breath, he said "my wish is for daddy to come back home."  That's my wish too, Evan, mine too.

Apple Picking!

Evan, Cam and I ventured out to the orchard today.  This particular orchard has become sort of a tradition in our family and I couldn't pass up the chance to take the boys and keep the tradition going.  We found that we like the honeycrisp apples and they are only available a couple weekends each year...and luckily the trees are rather small so the boys can actually reach the branches to pick their own!  I knew it would be a bit of a challenge to take the boys on my own, but I wanted it to be "just us" and not bring along friends...

So we arrived fairly early, bought the bags for the apples and headed out.  Even though the apple trees we want are right by the front, Evan wanted to ride the trailer  pulled by the tractor.  Luckily it wasn't busy yet, so the nice guy took us for a ride throughout the orchard.  I took a few pics of us (or tried to) and the guy even stopped to take a pic for us.  The pic didn't turn out in focus, but I appreciated his generosity none the less.

After the tractor ride, it was finally time to pick the apples.  Evan was a pro at it this year.  He had already told me on the tractor ride that bugs like to eat apples and that we didn't want the ones with bug marks.  He carefully picked out the best apples and filled his bag.  I kept trying to tell him that he wouldn't be able to carry the bag, but he insisted on filling it almost completely. (a full bag is marked as 1/2 a bushel!)  Camden had a different way to pick apples...he bent down and picked up the ones on the ground.  Evan and I tried to get him to pick off the tree, but soon gave up with that idea...instead, we picked out good ones and placed them on the ground in front of Cam so he could "pick" them and put them in his  bag.  I only let him fill his bag 1/2 full....and thank goodness...I had to carry Camden and both bags of apples back to the car since Cam was getting tired.  We ended up with $25 worth of apples...I guess all of our friends at daycare/work will be getting some apples!!

Big Boys

The boys are continuing to grow like weeds.   Everyday, I hate it more and more that Micah only gets to witness it through pics, video and the occasional chat with them on the webcam.  It really sucks that he can't see the little things they do to make my heart melt and/or make me cry.  Both of them have really grown (not just physically) during this deployment...

Evan has gotten over the tantrums for the most part and is really impressing me with the ability to talk to me about his problems.  He clearly lets me know if he's had a bad day at pre-school...and exactly what happened to make it so bad.  Of course he excitedly lets me know the great days too!  He's also getting much better at finding ways to deal with his sadness of Micah being gone.  I can't believe this little guy can sit and carry on a real conversation with me about things other than cars, trains and firetrucks!

I've also been wondering just when he would start to take on more of an more adult role in the house...and its happened.  Twice now, he's pulled a chair up to the kitchen sink and started washing dishes by hand, only to turn and tell me "I'm doing the dishes because I know sometimes your arms get tired."  Wow, I almost cried the first time he said it...what a sweet boy!  He's also looking after his little brother so much more now too.  It's so cute to watch him guide Cam through everything from putting on shoes or brushing teeth to comforting him when he gets hurt.  Yes, Evan sure is growing up.

Camden is getting too big, too fast as well!  He now thinks he's a big boy and has to try everything for himself.  He has mastered the stairs up and down...scared me to death the first time I realized I forgot to lock the kid gate and we found him upstairs playing by himself.  He's already tried out Evan's bike/helmet and if his legs were longer, I swear he'd be taking off!  The hardest part for me is letting go of the little things...

In the past week, Cam has been deciding that he no longer wants me to rock him before he gets in his bed.  That was my favorite time to snuggle with him, but now he just points and says "bed".  That is a hard one!  He's also decided that he can walk into daycare and I can't carry him in anymore.  Instead of pulling him off my arms while he's crying for me to stay, he now walks up the the little table, pulls out a chair and waits for his breakfast while I try to get him to say goodbye.  My baby isn't so much of a baby anymore.

I know I can't keep my boys from growing up, although Evan said he was going to remain little for me...ah, if he had the power to do that.  I just wish they would slow down a little.  Not just for my sake, but for Micah's as well.  I know it kills him to not be with them...and it kills me to not have him with us to experience it all.  So many times, I catch myself feeling bad that we're having fun doing something because my husband can't be there to witness it.  I learned from the last deployment that you can't just sit around and wait for him to return.  That doesn't do anyone any good...so the boys and I will continue to enjoy our time together.  But rest assured, we think of Micah with everything we do, and can't wait until he's back here enjoying it all with us again. 

What are the chances???

So, I feel like this is all a bit my fault....

I convinced Evan to play in the backyard today.  He usually likes playing out front where we can take the toy cars/bikes on the road.  But, I start back to work teaching next Monday and I needed to work on a couple of things at the table while they played.  Ah, do I regret that decision now!  Everything was going fine until...

Evan came SCREAMING at me that he got "bit" by a bee.  And boy do I mean screaming.  There was no way to get him to let me look at it and at 9 am in the morning, I'm sure the neighbors loved it!  So as I tried calming him down, Camden climbed up the stairs to the slide.  Just as I was ready to get up and go get him...yep, screaming from him.  So now I tried to calm two kids down and get them inside as fast as I can.

Once inside, I finally got them calmed down enough to let me take a look at the stings (thank God for cold popsicles!).  What do you know...both boys have swollen, red middle fingers on the left hand.  What are the chances of that happening??  I didn't think anything of them both maybe getting stung, but in the exact same spot?  These bees must know where little kids taste the best??? 

Both boys are fine now, but poor Cam didn't understand what happened and just kept coming up to me crying and saying "Bite".  Thank God they weren't  severely allergic...what fun that would have been to try and take care of two of them at the same time.  Evan had been stung before, so I knew he would be ok...hopefully this is the end to it all.  I've sprayed there before when Evan said he saw bees, but these things aren't going away. I guess he'll get his way from now on and we'll play out front...until Daddy comes home and can fight the killer bees for us next summer!!

A long way to go...

So we still have a long way to go with Evan learning how to handle his anger....

Evan woke up this morning crying once again.  He had big tears and sobs again and said he wanted his daddy.  I brought him downstairs and calmed him down.  He said he wanted to watch the daddy video, so I told him we would, when it was actually time to wake up (it was way too early I thought, maybe I should go ahead and do it next time!).  We never did get to the video yet.

When Evan is angry, it takes just one small thing to set him off.  When Micah first left, we went for a good month where Evan had tantrums that lasted up to 3 hours.  Now, Evan is prone to acting out, but not for that long under normal circumstances...3 hours, almost nightly, had me thinking I was going insane.  We finally made it past that and moved on to more normal days, fun playing, fewer tantrums.  When Micah said he was coming home for R & R, I knew I must brace myself...that the tantrums would probably begin again.  Until now, we've been doing pretty good.  Maybe because a week has gone by and he realizes daddy really is gone again??  I'm not sure what's triggered it, but we're currently in the middle of one of the big tantrums.

These tantrums are the hardest for me:  I know he needs reassurance that I love him, that I know he misses daddy, etc but he can't be allowed to get away with hitting, kicking or screaming at me.  So, he's currently up in his room, having a screaming fit until he calms down and can come and say he's sorry.  I have no clue how long this will last...hopefully its over before lunch and naptime??  These are the moments when I'm at a loss of what to do. 

Now, I've been given advice from different people at different places...nothing seems to work.  I know I have some people who don't believe in the way I'm raising these boys/handling the discipline while Micah's gone...but frankly, until they have lived this life and seen how the deployment affects the boys on a day to day basis, I can't worry about what they think.  Right now, I have to stick to what feels right for me and the boys.  I do mainly "time-outs" or taking away things, but even when I have resorted to spanking, it doesn't seem to help any better. 

The fact is, Evan is angy.  Maybe no one else wants to believe it could affect him like this, but I'm his mom and I see it.  I see what a loving, caring boy he can be, the way he helps his brother, the way he trys to cheer his brother up when he cries, the way he tries to help me get everything done around here (even does dishes sometimes by hand!)...Evan is/is going to be a great guy.  Right now, his world is turned a bit upside down and he doesn't understand it all.  Heck, I'm 35 and I can't even comprehend all that has happened to us in the past 3-4 years. 

I remember sitting at a table at the Military Ball in December before Micah left.  All of the men at the table had left for one reason or another and the ladies were all left talking.  I didn't know any of them, so I just sat and listened.  They sat talking about their kids and how they were glad they were so little they wouldn't know what was going on (my experience with Evan last deployment).  Then one of them said "I'm so glad he's not 3, they say that's the hardest time for a boy to have his dad gone because that's when they really start to bond with him...."  Gee thanks lady.  I wanted to scream "MY SON IS THREE!!"  I'm not sure that lady was right about anything she said, but it has somehow proven to be true...Evan really started being able to do "big boy things" with Micah right before he left and that's what he misses most.  He just wants to "hang with daddy".  So I say, if he's a bit angry, rightfully so...this deployment sucks for him!

Don't get me wrong, luckily we've had many more good times than bad...its just that the bad seems really bad.  Heck, I've even ventured out to eat at sit-down restaurants with the two boys myself a few times, and we've survived without causing a mess!  I HAVE been locking away memories of all the mommy/boys time as I know someday it will be all about "the boys" hanging out.  Evan already tells me he's going to be just like his daddy...and I'm good with that :)

On a side note, Evan's tantrum only lasted about 1/2 hour today and then he was ready to come down, say he was sorry.  He cried, asked to be held and wanted to watch the daddy video.  So maybe the tantrums will get fewer/shorter and he really is learning to ask for other ways to cope?  Let's hope so!

I Miss Daddy

A few days ago we took my husband to the airport to catch a plane and head back to Kuwait.  We were lucky enough to have him for a 12 day R & R during his deployment.  We loved the chance to see him and hang out with him, but saying goodbye again has been difficult...this is what transpired last night:

“I want my daddy.”  Those are the words I hear as I turn around to find my four year old son coming downstairs because he can’t sleep.  Normally Evan doesn’t cry about daddy being gone.  Usually he says he misses daddy and proceeds to do one of two things:  he plays with army trucks that remind him of daddy or he acts out all day…because in his little mind, that is the only way to deal with the anger he has inside.  But this time is different.  This time he climbs on my lap, wraps his arms around me and actually cries.  This time he has big tears, and actual sobs.  All I can do is sit and hold him close and tell him that I know he misses daddy, that I know this isn’t fair, that this sucks…because after all, it does suck.  I’m not sugar coating it for him…it isn’t fair for a four year old to have to deal with his daddy being miles away fighting in another country.  It sucks that he can’t have his daddy there to pick him up at daycare or take him to the bookstore.  And right now, he doesn’t need me to sugarcoat anything.  Right now, he’s angry, hurt and upset…and for once, he’s letting the tears flow.

It’s all I can do to sit and hold him, fighting back my own tears.  I don’t hold them back because I don’t want him to see me cry…God knows he’s seen me cry many times as it is.  No, I hold back my own tears, because I want this to be his time to be sad, his time to truly own his feelings.  It kills me to see my son so upset, but I also have to see this as a turning point.  Tonight, he actually asked to watch “the daddy video” of Micah reading stories to the boys, he’s letting out real tears for once and took my advice from the past 6 months that making a picture for daddy could help.  Yes, this is a turning point for my son.  As my heart rips out of my chest to see him in pain, I also say a prayer that this could help him in his dealing with the whys:  Why did my daddy have to go and not my friend’s daddy?  Why do my friends get to have their daddies come to see them at daycare?  Why can’t daddy just stay home?

No, as hard as it is, tonight is not the time for me to cry with Evan.  Tonight is the night for him to be sad, the time to be angry, the time to just wonder why.  So I sit.  I sit with this little boy crying on my lap. I rub his back and just say “I know” when he says he wants his daddy.  Finally, he decides he needs to make the picture for daddy…but not the usual pictures he makes.  This picture is yet another sign that he is learning to deal with his feelings.  This picture is one of him and daddy at the fair.  They have smiles on their faces and are watching someone ride the firetruck ride….just like they actually did just a few days ago when Micah was home for R & R.  Evan doesn’t understand everything and doesn’t know how to cope with it all…but he’s learning.