So it's finally happened. The reality that this deployment IS going to happen has finally hit me. It started to hit me when the school year ended. As a teacher, I tend to think in school years, not calendar years. The end of school year 2010-2011 made me realize that my husband will be gone for the entire next school year. Still, I was able to push that thought aside somewhat and just enjoy some time to relax. Afterall, we were busy planning summer vacations and all the fun places we would go. Now that one vacation is over, I'm suddenly slammed with the thought that time with my husband is limited.
Micah and I were able to enjoy a week-long vacation without children. This was our first vacation alone since having children. It was a little weird at first not to have the boys with us, but it was so freeing at the same time. We could actually take our time and stop along the way when we saw something that interested us. We got to connect as a couple again and actually hold a conversation without someone saying they needed a drink or had to go to the bathroom. It was one of the best times we've had in awhile. But then it came to an end and I had to come back to reality.
Micah had to stay up in Michigan for work, so I drove back home with the boys. After spending so much time with him, coming home without him has been hard. All of a sudden I'm faced with reminders of how it will be when he actually does deploy. All of a sudden I look around and remember how lonely it gets when I can't talk to him. I remember what its like to continue on with a smile on my face when I'm crying inside. I remember how much it breaks my heart to have one of my boys cry for daddy and I can't do anything about it. Having him gone for a week for work is nothing new...this time it's just a little too close to the deployment.
I know time will move on and our family will adjust. I always hate the fact that Micah has to miss so much of the boys growing up. Pictures and video just don't do it justice. This last vacation was the longest time I've been away from the boys and it was hard for me. I will never be able to understand just how hard it is for Micah to say goodbye to them, knowing he won't see them for many months. Back on the homefront, I hate that my boys miss hanging out so much with their daddy. I try my best to continue doing things we did when Micah was here, but its just a fact that I can't do it all myself...and that no matter what I do, I will never be "daddy". I can't have Camden help work on the Jeep with me, I can't take Evan to father/student night at school and I can't take them both for a special "boys night out."
So as reality does finally hit with this deployment, I'm trying to just brace myself for the long road ahead. I know I'll be lonely. I know I'll cry, scream and want to give up at times. But I also finally know why God made me so stubborn. I, like so many other army wives, was given the strength needed to just make it through one day at a time. I'm so stubborn that failure is not an option. Though I want to curl up and hide for year, I won't. I'll make sure my boys and I continue to enjoy life as much as possible despite the fact that Micah can't enjoy it with us. And all the while, we'll be counting down the days until his return.
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