Here I am again, sitting at the computer working on my blog. It has been almost exactly two years since we got Micah back home with us and now we're looking at about six months until he leaves for the 3rd deployment. I can't say I'm happy about this, but who would be? I'm proud of my husband and all he does, I just don't like having him gone. So here begins my journey into the world of pre-deployment again. Often, the time leading up to the deployment is just as rough as the deployment itself.
So if you are reading this, here's a warning: This won't always be a fun, lighthearted blog to read. This is my blog. It is where I share my downs as well as my ups. It serves as a means for me to communicate what I'm feeling to myself as well as others. You don't have to read it if you don't want to, so let me use it as I want. Sure, I'll post some cute pics of my kids. (And man, looking back at the last pics posted on here, they have grown like crazy!) But, I may also rant about things that should seem trivial. You see, sometimes when your husband is deployed something as simple as not being able to get the jar of peanut butter open can seem like life or death...usually because it happens while your child is screaming for his food, the cat just threw up and someone is knocking on your door to sell you frozen meat from their van. Combine that with the constant question of "is my husband ok today?" and it all becomes one big fiasco.
Ah, as I sit here writing what I thought might be funny, I already find myself starting to cry. At this point in time, I'm at that "I want to be mad" stage. I just don't see how I will possibly be able to do it again. Another year without my husband doesn't seem like something I can do. But, I know this is normal and I also know that just like the first two deployments, we will somehow make it through. That doesn't make it any easier, but at least I know from experience that its ok to feel this way right now.
My two awesome boys and I will survive. We'll pray for Micah each night, think about him each day, say hello to "flat daddy" and cry when we say goodbye on the phone or computer. But we will survive. I do worry so much about them while Micah is gone. They are a little older now and understand a bit more. Last night, while eating at a Chinese buffet, Micah called from Drill. Somehow that led to the boys having a conversation about how army men have to shoot and kill "bad guys". Do I like that my children think about this? No. I wish they could grow up in a little protective bubble where everything is good and right...but they can't. Reality of war has been a part of their lives at such a young age. I wonder how I can give them peace about daddy being "safe" when I myself worry about it every day. But that too, will take care of itself. For now, I just try to make our time together the best it can be and let the future take care of itself. Not easy, but I'm trying.