Back on the Homefront

Living in the moment

Maybe its because I don't have an infant to take care of this deployment, but I have found that I have a different outlook this time around.  I noticed that when people ask me about the previous two deployments, I can't recall that much.  I know looking back in pictures that I took the boys to the beach, the zoo, etc but I don't really "remember" that much about our fun.  That made me sad that I seem to have forgotten some of the best times of them being little.  Back then, I merely tried to survive.  It was hard balancing work and the kids while trying to keep up with laundry and dishes.  I had to get one of those baby enclosures and have Evan watch Camden while I tried to even get a shower.  It was exhausting, but we made it...life kept going.

This time around I'm trying to do more living in the moment.  My boys are very active, and I LOVE that!  I'm enjoying the time I spend with them playing outside, going to the park or just having a movie night.  My goal for this deployment is to keep it that way.  I don't want to merely "survive" this time around.  I want to look back at the pictures this time and smile when I remember all the good times we've had.  Just today, I had to remind myself to live in the moment.  We got back last Sunday from our last camping/jeeping trip.  The next morning I started my first day of work for the year.  Two days after that, Micah left.  Needless to say, the house looks like a tornado hit it.  We now have bags left to be unpacked, camping gear to be sorted and stored in the garage and laundry to be done.

I thought it was going to be a very productive day.  Cam had his soccer game and when we got home, I finally got the lawn mowed.  Then it was off to tackling laundry and cleaning the rest of the house.  Just as I was finishing up dishes and really getting into the cleaning mode, Cam had an "I want daddy" moment and reminded me that I said I would hold him whenever he missed daddy.  So, I left the rest of the house to be cleaned tomorrow.  I held Cam.  Evan asked for some individual time too, so after dinner it is going to be a "Wii" night.  And you know what?  For once I'm actually ok with that.  In the past I would tell myself its ok if things didn't get done but deep down I would feel horrible.  This deployment, I'm living in the moment.  So if we need to hang out and the camping gear doesn't get unpacked, so be it.  I love my boys and don't want to forget another minute of them growing up.

 

Accepting Reality

So it's finally happened.  The reality that this deployment IS going to happen has finally hit me.  It started to hit me when the school year ended.  As a teacher, I tend to think in school years, not calendar years.  The end of school year 2010-2011 made me realize that my husband will be gone for the entire next school year.  Still, I was able to push that thought aside somewhat and just enjoy some time to relax.  Afterall, we were busy planning summer vacations and all the fun places we would go.  Now that one vacation is over, I'm suddenly slammed with the thought that time with my husband is limited.

Micah and I were able to enjoy a week-long vacation without children.  This was our first vacation alone since having children.  It was a little weird at first not to have the boys with us, but it was so freeing at the same time.  We could actually take our time and stop along the way when we saw something that interested us.  We got to connect as a couple again and actually hold a conversation without someone saying they needed a drink or had to go to the bathroom.  It was one of the best times we've had in awhile.  But then it came to an end and I had to come back to reality.

Micah had to stay up in Michigan for work, so I drove back home with the boys.  After spending so much time with him, coming home without him has been hard.  All of a sudden I'm faced with reminders of how it will be when he actually does deploy.  All of a sudden I look around and remember how lonely it gets when I can't talk to him.  I remember what its like to continue on with a smile on my face when I'm crying inside.  I remember how much it breaks my heart to have one of my boys cry for daddy and I can't do anything about it.  Having him gone for a week for work is nothing new...this time it's just a little too close to the deployment.

I know time will move on and our family will adjust.  I always hate the fact that Micah has to miss so much of the boys growing up.  Pictures and video just don't do it justice.  This last vacation was the longest time I've been away from the boys and it was hard for me.  I will never be able to understand just how hard it is for Micah to say goodbye to them, knowing he won't see them for many months.  Back on the homefront, I hate that my boys miss hanging out so much with their daddy.  I try my best to continue doing things we did when Micah was here, but its just a fact that I can't do it all myself...and that no matter what I do, I will never be "daddy".  I can't have Camden help work on the Jeep with me, I can't take Evan to father/student night at school and I can't take them both for a special "boys night out."

So as reality does finally hit with this deployment, I'm trying to just brace myself for the long road ahead.  I know I'll be lonely.  I know I'll cry, scream and want to give up at times.  But I also finally know why God made me so stubborn.  I, like so many other army wives, was given the strength needed to just make it through one day at a time.  I'm so stubborn that failure is not an option.  Though I want to curl up and hide for year, I won't.  I'll make sure my boys and I continue to enjoy life as much as possible despite the fact that Micah can't enjoy it with us.  And all the while, we'll be counting down the days until his return.

 

 

 

Stage 4: Depression, Reflection and Loneliness??

While I know that this deployment looming over us is not quite the same as dealing with the death of a loved one, it often feels like it.  I find myself going through the same seven stages of grief.  Each deployment brings about the shock and denial.  "No, it can't be time for another one already."  "But we just started getting back into a family routine again."   Soon after the shock wears off, the pain and guilt stage sets in.

During this stage, I feel like I'm somehow letting down my children.  It hurts that I can't give them everything that they deserve.  While Micah is gone, something as simple as the fact that I can't teach my little boy how to pee standing up can bring me to tears.  In my heart, I know that all they really need is my love and reassurance, but sometimes my mind takes over my heart.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't be the "father" who takes them to father/son fun night at school.

I move on from the pain and guilt and get into the anger stage.  Somehow this stage seems to linger on throughout the deployment, so I'm sure I'll write about it more at a later date.  Tonight though, I'm writing about my current state of grief:  stage four.  As you can see by my title, I'm finding myself depressed, reflecting and lonely.  I can't believe how on target that description is.

I consider myself a strong woman on the whole.  I've always been independent and never let anything stand in my way.  Anyone in my family can attest to that fact.  My parents never thought I would get married because of how stubborn and independent I am.  However, these deployments have left me vulnerable in ways that I never imagined.

AHHHH...who am I kidding?  I am entering stage four, but I'm not there yet.  No, I am still in stage three...I'm ANGRY.  I don't really have any person that I am angry with, its just this stupid deployment on a whole.  I HATE telling my children that daddy's going away for a year.  I HATE spending the last few months together trying to make sure everything is in place so that the boys and I can survive alone.  I HATE feeling like I'm just not good enough.  And what I HATE the most, is how I let that anger get in the way of our last few months together.

It is so hard to just sit back and enjoy time together when the deployment is constantly there in my mind.  As the boys are playing outside, I think about the unfinished swingset and get angry that I can't finish it by myself.  I end my volleyball season and become angry because I won't be able to play next year if I can't find a babysitter.  I enjoy Cam's 4th birthday party and get angry that Micah won't be there to see him turn five or leave for his first day of kindergarten.  I look toward our mini camping/Jeeping trip and get angry that we won't be able to enjoy it next year.  And all of this anger is slowly taking its toll.

With this being our third deployment, I know that at some point the anger will lessen and I'll come to accept all that's happening.  At some point, I'll be able to look at the blessing of spending extra  time snuggling with my boys or being the one they come to when they need something.  At some point, I'll appreciate all my husband does around the house before he leaves instead of just keeping a list of the things he still has to do.  At some point, I'll feel like me again.  I'll find the strength to let go of the anger and just enjoy the ride.  At some point...but not quite yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm back...

    Here I am again, sitting at the computer working on my blog.  It has been almost exactly two years since we got Micah back home with us and now we're looking at about six months until he leaves for the 3rd deployment.  I can't say I'm happy about this, but who would be?  I'm proud of my husband and all he does, I just don't like having him gone.  So here begins my journey into the world of pre-deployment again.   Often, the time leading up to the deployment is just as rough as the deployment itself. 

    So if you are reading this, here's a warning:  This won't always be a fun, lighthearted blog to read.  This is my blog.  It is where I share my downs as well as my ups.  It serves as a means for me to communicate what I'm feeling to myself as well as others.  You don't have to read it if you don't want to, so let me use it as I want.  Sure, I'll post some cute pics of my kids. (And man, looking back at the last pics posted on here, they have grown like crazy!)  But, I may also rant about things that should seem trivial.  You see, sometimes when your husband is deployed something as simple as not being able to get the jar of peanut butter open can seem like life or death...usually because it happens while your child is screaming for his food, the cat just threw up and someone is knocking on your door to sell you frozen meat from their van.  Combine that with the constant question of "is my husband ok today?" and it all becomes one big fiasco.

    Ah, as I sit here writing what I thought might be funny, I already find myself starting to cry.  At this point in time, I'm at that  "I want to be mad" stage.  I just don't see how I will possibly be able to do it again.  Another year without my husband doesn't seem like something I can do.  But, I know this is normal and I also know that just like the first two deployments, we will somehow make it through.  That doesn't make it any easier, but at least I know from experience that its ok to feel this way right now. 

My two awesome boys and I will survive.  We'll pray for Micah each night, think about him each day, say hello to "flat daddy" and cry when we say goodbye on the phone or computer.  But we will survive.  I do worry so much about them while Micah is gone.  They are a little older now and understand a bit more.  Last night, while eating at a Chinese buffet, Micah called from Drill.  Somehow that led to the boys having a conversation about how army men have to shoot and kill "bad guys".  Do I like that my children think about this?  No.  I wish they could grow up in a little protective bubble where everything is good and right...but they can't.  Reality of war has been a part of their lives at such a young age.  I wonder how I can give them peace about daddy being "safe" when I myself worry about it every day.  But that too, will take care of itself.  For now, I just try to make our time together the best it can be and let the future take care of itself.  Not easy, but I'm trying.

All Evan wants for Christmas is....

HIS TWO FRONT TEETH!! Today was an interesting day for us.  We were supposed to drop the kids at daycare and actually have an "us" day to enjoy being back together.  Well, we made it to our first destination and shortly after arriving there, I got a call from the daycare.  It seems Evan slipped/tripped in the bathroom and hit his teeth on the hand dryer (conveniently placed low so little kids can use it, of course).  So, we hurried to daycare and assessed the damage.  Yep, he needed to see a dentist.  We called our dentist and got referred to a pediatric dentist and headed there.  Within minutes, we were told that the two front teeth needed to come out.  Evan was a trooper, got the laughing gas and within about 10 minutes had his two front teeth out.  They said the kids usually do better without the parents right by, so we waited out in the waiting room, and he came out just fine minutes later carrying a tiny dinosaur, car and two stickers.  He's had a few pain meds, but hasn't complained, ate dinner and actually smiled for a picture.  What a big guy!

In other news, our first "us" day didn't happen either.  Yesterday the plan was to also have an "us" day, but instead we spent the day taking Camden to the doctor.  It seems his cold turned into a double ear infection and pink eye.  What fun!  I can't believe the luck we're having...at least it all waited until Micah was home to help me out!  Micah had been in charge of planning our day today and actually had done a great job of planning some romantic things...too bad we had to cancel them...maybe next time.  We're just glad that the boys are both on the mend and we'll all be togther for Christmas!

Pics of the Homecoming!

Just a quick download of a few pics from the weekend.  There were more pictures, of the whole family, etc taken on other cameras, but these are the best taken on ours.  Sooooo nice to have Micah back home with us!

           

He's home!!!

The boys and I traveled up to Grand Rapids on Thursday...the next couple of days went like this:

Thursday night, Evan and Camden were so excited that we would be seeing daddy the next day...it was WAY past normal bedtime before I got them calmed down enough to go to sleep.  Micah called and said he would be getting up early the next morning to get ready to board the plane....I had a hard time sleeping that night too!

Friday morning, we all woke up early and dreaded the few hours we had left to wait until we could see Micah.  When you're that close, it kills to keep waiting!  Micah's mom and dad met us at the hotel.  Micah's dad went by himself to the church where the ceremony was being held.  He's part of the Michigan Patriot Guard Riders, and they were doing an escort/welcome home for the troops.  Les and I got the boys ready and headed to the church.

We got there early, got a pretty good seat and then had a couple of agonizing hours to wait.  I took Evan and Camden for a couple of walks, they played cars, did some "color wonder" drawings, etc.  During this time, I got a few updates from Micah on my cell phone, including one pic of him on the airplane, and then a call that they had landed in Grand Rapids...what a relief!  There was a slideshow playing in the church and we saw Micah on there a couple of times, only making us more anxious to see him.

Soon, they made the announcement that the buses were coming, and did a "live feed" showing them arriving.  That was all it took for me to shed a few tears.  Then more waiting as they got the guys lined up, and finally brought them out on stage.  Unfortunately, we couldn't pick out Micah in the sea of soldiers, so it was even more frustrating...to know he was right up there, and I didn't know where.  He later said he saw us though, and saw the signs we had made...that's all that matters I guess. 

We sat through the ceremony, and finally they began releasing us...it was supposed to be an ordered exit so everyone could find their loved ones, but I think our side got a little too anxious and we went early...oh well, we found Micah and Evan ran up and gave him the biggest hug ever.  Cam looked a bit confused at first as to why Micah wasn't just "on the webcam", but it didn't take long for him to warm up to him!  Of course, I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him too!  It was so nice after all this time to know he was coming home to stay with us...almost surreal.

We went back to the hotel, hung out, went out to eat with Mike and Les, and stayed the night.  The boys were on top of Micah wrestling with him on the bed right away.  It was so nice to finally see all of my boys together again!!!  Today was traveling home, and now we're just enjoying being a family again...a family again...that sounds nice.  Evan just ripped off the last two links from the chain and started jumping up and down when I asked if it was exciting to be able to do that...I think that speaks for us all!  Will post pictures later, as the camera is still in the car. 

Thank you to all who have supported us along this long journey.  Now we can begin to post pictures/blog entries about our lives together again :)

We get to see him Friday!!

So it has been confirmed through the FRG phone tree that we get to see Micah on Friday!  Only three more days...wow!!  I was actually watching TV while I worked out tonight and there was a commercial for a Christmas show on next week that I thought the boys might like to watch.  Suddenly, it hit me that we can watch it as a FAMILY!!!!  It seems like forever since we've been a whole family and I can't wait to get back to doing things together!  I told Evan that daddy comes home on "show and share" day, so he's VERY excited too!  He's already been planning things for them to do together and has actually set aside some of the Halloween candy (yes, we're still eating it!) that was too hard and said daddy could have it.  How funny!  Hopefully next time I write on here I will have pictures of us all together again!!

Another Micah update....nice to have so many :)

Shortly after calling me this morning, Micah left on yet another airplane and arrived safely at Ft. Hood in Texas.  Yeah, one more step towards coming home with us!  We were originally planning to be able to see him on Fri or Sat, but he sent an email saying it COULD possibly be earlier...all of this waiting to find out an exact time is killing me.  He said he'll call when he knows more, but it can't be soon enough!  Will keep you all posted as I find out....

He's back in the US!!!

So its 3:25 am and I just HAD to post before trying to go back to sleep.  I just got a phone call from my husband...and this time his phone number actually didn't show up as "unknown"!!  It was SOOO  nice to get a call from him on his own cell phone.  I had actually had a hint last night that he was probably in Germany and actually started crying just at that notion...now this morning I hear the phone ringing and just knew he would be the only one calling me at this time in the morning.  And can you guess that I didn't care what time it was?!?  We still won't see him for a few days since he has to go through debriefing, etc but it is awesome to know the process has begun!!  I can't wait to tell Evan that soon he gets to rip off the last remaining chain links...how exciting!  More later, I need sleep...if I can sleep!